Wednesday, June 1, 2011

No Title

Sometimes you have to break relationships with people in your life. Sometimes, you can't do it yourself. It's like you're a drug addict or alcoholic.

"I can quit anytime I want."

Reality is not that easy. You can't just quit. You can't just leave someone, break contact. Someone has to push you, or take a step away.

96 days ago someone took that step. One of my best friends, someone I loved very much, walked out of my life.
That's the most accurate way to say it.
It was for the best. They were toxic, the magnet to my TV set. Trust me, it's a long and complicated story that I'd much rather keep deep in the basement of my heart.

Some things are just really painful and complicated, you know?

Back to it being for the better.
It was. Even though it hurt, I felt better. Psychologically I was better. So even though I miss them, I know it was for the best.
It's kinda like they had to bleed me, you know? In early medicine, they would "bleed" people in order to cure them of some ailment. They would make a cut on the arm (or somewhere else) and let the wound bleed for a certain amount of time. My guess is that they thought this would take any impurities out of the blood (that was supposing causing the sickness) Ive never really delved into the specifics, but I know the general idea.
Anyway, it's like that. Hurt to make better.
You can also compare it to a line in a Relient K song.
"You said I know that this will hurt, but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse."
That's a more accurate description.
That's what they did.
It still hurts, but I'm grateful they did what they did. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't break the tie. It should have happened a long time ago, that's true, but when were you last in a hurry to get your arm amputated?
That's what it felt like, losing a piece of myself.

Lately I've been thinking about them. It's not like I never did before, but sometimes you detach yourself from pain and whats bothering you. You try your best to fill your day with other things, other people, and try not to think about it.
I wish I could have them back in my life, but the fact is, its not going to happen.
Even if they were to contact me tomorrow, I'd just be in the same rut I was in. Remember what I said about them being a magnet?
Yeah. It's a complicated feeling.
Wanting them in your life, but once they're there you want them to go away and stop hurting you.
Very complicated indeed.

You're probably saying to yourself, man this girl is crazy. Why is she even writing this?

Because I'm healing, moving on, and trying to change.

If you know me in real life, then you know that I'm kind of a private person when it comes to my feelings etc. That's mostly because I got burned by alot of people, and that makes me gun shy. So If I'm upset or hurt, I try not to show it. To me, its almost been a sign of weakness, a chink in your armor so to speak. I don't trust many people.

Well. I'm trying to change.
Holding things in, always being afraid to let someone see beyond the wall lest they hurt you, is not the way to live. You need people; and believe it or not people need you.
That's why I'm sharing this little thing. Not for you to feel sorry for me (DON'T), but because honestly, I'm very tired of being alone with myself (metaphorically). Some things you need to talk about before they eat you up.
This is one of them.

I'm sorry this is all a tad bit random and cryptic, but that's how I roll sometimes.


Nicole said...

I completely understand. I had to do this with one of my friends a few years ago. She luckily turned her life around and we are slowly rebuilding our friendship.

Another friend of mine decided to end our relationship abruptly (with an attempt of punching my face) after 10 years. We are now FB friends but it will never be the same.

It's a long road but you aren't alone. We've all gone through changes in our lives that hurt. If you need to talk I'm here